Chapter 1: Loving the Hurt Away: Why The Relationship Had to End

Chapter 1) Meeting The Family

Many of you have made the same statement, "What Happened? You guys were the perfect couple." The short answer is relationships are hard. For the long answer read on.

So here is my story. First of all; I am not a chauvinist, a player, or a cheater. I am a world traveler. I have lived in three states. I am community minded. I am an engineer. I am a businessman, and I have ten nieces and nephews that love me dearly. I am a man raised by his grandmother and in search of love. I share my story with you so that maybe you or someone you love will benefit from my experience.


Friends and Supporters

Greetings; I write you today to let you know how important my relationship with Fatima was. My grandmother always told me a wise person always views both sides of a story. I am sure you have Fatima's side of the story. Here is my side.

The Meeting

When I met Fatima a year ago at a Release happy hour, I did not realize how great of a person I had encountered. As we spent more and more time together, I began to see how kind-hearted she truly is. She was forthcoming and told me that she had been a really mean person in the past. Her kindness led me to believe that her mean spirited life was behind her. At that moment, I began to think of our long term compatibility. I quickly fell deeply in love with her. I remember first realizing I loved her-- I was lying in her bed one morning watching the sun rise. I kissed her on the forehead, as I did every morning to gently awaken her, and thought to myself, "This is the woman I want to spend to rest of my life with and to be the mother of my children." I loved spending time with Fatima. I often told her our time together represented some of the most peaceful times in my life. When I was with Fatima there was not a need to be the important business guy, the super social extravert, or the big brother to all my friends. All I had to do was be me. I loved those moments and I loved Fati.





Life Before Meeting Fatima

Background: I am 8 years older than Fatima, and this was an initial concern until I surveyed my closest friends. Friend A: married for 6 years to his wife, who is seven years younger than him. Friend B: dated for two years, a girl that was seven years younger than him. Friend C: dated for three years, a girl that was five years younger. This personal survey lessened my concerns associated with dating a younger woman.

I had recently completed two years in an executive MBA program when I met Fati. Fresh from graduation, I was totally burned out and in need of a break. I was in need of a social outlet and started hanging out with a group of people who held weekly socials. I thought Fatima would like to socialize and meet new friends so I invited her to come hang out and play cards. I figured this would be a good way for us to get to know each other. I would soon learn that this was a big mistake, and would shadow our relationship with lasting negative affects. When I met Fatima, I was a complete party animal. Many people who observed the relationship during that time judged me as being a player. They felt I was not good for Fati. I did not care what people thought, ignored their judgments and continued living my life. I have always been the type to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, and life has never afforded me the luxury of being insecure or caring about the opinions of others. Fati and I differed in that the opinions of others affected her view of our relationship.

Setting Expectations:
When Fatima and I started dating I knew the age difference would be a problem so I tried discussing with her any possible differences in our expectations. We sat down and I told her about my experiences in dating and why I wanted to take my time in this relationship. We talked about how she may want some things now but I was not comfortable giving until some time later after we had spent more time getting to know each another. The purpose of our conversation had been to open the channels of communications so we could understand each other better.


Problems in the Relationship

1st Sign: Challenges in Meeting the Parents

After six months of dating, I finally expressed to Fatima I was ready to get serious and wanted to meet her parents. Fatima said, "No, now is not a good time to meet my parents." I asked her why and stated I had wanted to meet her parents for four months now; however my questions were met with no explanation. Later I would discover her parents held a bad impression of me because Fatima had told her parents about every bad thing that had happened during the first two months of our dating, when I was fresh out of school and in my party animal stage. I discovered this during my second attempt to meet the parents. Instead of flying home to Texas to see my family I decided to stay in North Carolina to meet Fatima's family. Well, when I informed Fatima of my plans she responded again that it was not a good time. I mentioned this was the second time she had said that and asked if there was a bigger problem I needed to know about. I sensed a big communication problem developing. Fatima said she had it under control, she wanted me to meet her parents in due time, and that she had a plan to get her parents to like me. Thankfully, she admitted it was a mistake to tell her parents so many details of our relationship, and after this admittance I respected her choices and gave her room to do what she felt was needed.

Meeting the Parents
Soon after Thanksgiving I would meet the parents but not according to Fatima's plan. Fatima's baptism was quickly approaching and her parents decided to come to town for the occasion. Needless to say I was excited to finally meet her parents, but Fatima seemed nervous. I ensured her that things would be fine; I usually do well with parents and love talking to older people. Fatima shared some good news that she had been talking to her parents; they had had a change of heart and were looking forward to meeting me. Although meeting Fatima's parents would become one of the most emotionally charged encounters of my adulthood, at the same time it revealed to me how deep my feelings for Fati ran.

Morning of Fati's Baptism
Fatima's baptism was a blessed event and I was extremely excited for her. That morning her parents arrived at Fatima's apartment at the same time I did. I waved to them and then rushed upstairs to give Fatima her breakfast so she could eat before we rushed off to the church. While I handed Fatima her breakfast her father rushed into apartment and made for the bathroom, ignoring my "Good Morning". Before Fatima could eat he rushed us out of the house to get to the church early. This seemed quite odd considering based on the schedule Fatima gave me, we still had ample time to get to the church. Nonetheless I went with the flow. When we got out of the cars at the church, I said hello to Fatima's mother and aunt. When I said hello to her stepfather he simply ignored me and hurried everybody into the church. Instead of saying hello, he pointed at me and said "I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER!!" I chalked his behavior up to the stress of the special occasion. While Fatima was getting ready I spoke with her aunt and played with her aunt's two sons.

During the baptism I sat between Fati's mother and aunt, and I felt Fatima's mother began to warm up to me during the sermon. She often offered me candies, fans, and a towel to help with my sweat. Later Fatima told me her mother felt a spiritual connection with me and she believed I was a good-spirited person.

Things went downhill after church as we walked to the cars. I expected the whole family to go out for dinner and looked forward to spending some time having a man-to-man conversation with her stepfather. It was during this dinner that I had planned to let the stepfather know how serious I was about Fati and that I hoped to make her my wife one day. Unfortunately, we would never make it to dinner. Instead I was saddened and surprised when I witnessed this man suddenly humiliate my beautiful, newly baptized girlfriend into a babbling four year old child with overbearing, obnoxious declarations.

Stepfather: FATI I RAISED YOU, RIGHT?
Fati (excited from her baptism): Yes!
Stepfather: FATI I RAISED YOU, RIGHT?
Fati (still excited): Yes!
Stepfather: FATI I RAISED YOU, RIGHT?
Fati (head drops): …Yes…
Stepfarther: FATI YOU WERE BAPTIZED TODAY SO IT'S TIME FOR A NEW LIFE!
Fati (suddenly saddened): Yes, sir.

Then he turns on me and says the only words he has ever said to me:

FIRST OF ALL I DON'T LIKE YOU! I DON'T LIKE YOU DATING MY DAUGHTER! YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR HER, AND IF YOU HAD ANY KIND OF "BACK BONE" THEN YOU WOULD LEAVE HER AND LET HER FIND A GUY CLOSE TO HER AGE……IT WILL NEVER WORK!

My heart stops as I think….why would a father intentionally cause such drama and grief on what is supposed to be one of the most memorable and special days in his daughter's life with Christ?……To Be Continued

Chapter 2: Loving the Hurt Away: Why The Relationship Had to End

Chapter 2) Friends, Girlfriends, and Beyonces 

When I first introduced Fatima into my social circles, I had all the best intentions. She was new to town and I felt this would provide an outlet where she could meet new friends and connect with others in the Triangle Park area. Unfortunately, things did not work out as intended. As Fatima and I became closer, the weekly socials began to take a toll on our relationship.

The social environment became toxic. Fatima became prey to the endless rumor mill, where she was constantly given something to be worried about. As mentioned, I just completed my MBA program and was in need of a social outlet to release a lot of the stress that had built up over the past two years. I partied like a Rock Star! Those who witnessed this saw something else and thus the rumors started. The women in the social environment were extremely flirtatious, so Fatima's insecurity was warranted. I understood this and time after time, I ensured Fatima that I was not involved with any of the women. I explained that since I was one of the major facilitators that I was simply nice to everyone, sort of like the Host with the Most. Since we were all single and lived in a small town, the weekly socials provided an outlet for us. Without them, there would be very little for single adults to do. This explanation did not help much. Instead she became increasingly more jealous and insecure. I would eventually leave this social environment in order to focus on life and marriage counseling with Fatima.

Fatima's girlfriends were a piece of work. To me, they seemed like a real life version of a Beyonce video, always into some trouble with a guy and always giving bad advice. So I dubbed them "The Beyonces". Through my relationship with Fatima, I began to realize how detrimental Beyonce's music could be to impressionable young women. Fatima and her girlfriends were these young women. Beyonce constantly told these young women to fight and confront their boyfriends, but never told them to sit down, talk, communicate, and work things out. As a result, no matter how hard I tried, Fatima and I could never simply sit down and discuss an issue. Instead, her temper would flare. She would yell, throw her hands in my face, and say "You think I am stupid!" Then she would shut down, just like in a Hype Williams video.

I let her know daily that one of my major attractions to her was her intelligence. I would always tell her how intelligent she was when it came to figuring out complex things. She could figure out computer issues quicker than many of my engineering friends. Her common sense was unreal. Fatima was dynamically smart, and I loved this about her. I tried to let her know that just because I disagreed with her, it did not mean I thought she was stupid. It simply meant that I disagreed. But for some reason these words fell on deaf ears.

In the meantime, The Beyonces did everything they could to undermine the relationship. Whether spying on me at events, writing letters of their disapproval, or worst of all, attempting to use the Church as a platform to end our relationship, they never relented. Thankfully Fatima was strong. She would tell me that those women were simply lonely and miserable and wanted to keep her as a part of their group. Fatima stayed strong until The Beyonces planned an actual intervention at church with one of the elders. Fatima was embarrassed and felt betrayed. However the Brand New… Believers in Christ, The Beyonces, felt compelled to exercise their new holy understanding and privileges. Fatima expressed to me that she felt ganged up on, so I immediately went to her aid. I attended church with Fatima, showing The Beyonces that I was there for Fatima and would not allow them to pick on her and mess a good thing up. Soon after, the problem went away.

We won this small victory together, but the war still continued. For some reason, Fatima could not stop telling The Beyonces and others details of our personal relationship. The more people got involved in our relationship the more drama we had. Since we did not have the ability to sit down and talk issues out and resolve them, the problems simply compounded. I wished Fatima would hear what I was saying. I had no ill intent when I was out partying; it was just a way for me to temporarily alleviate stress. Fatima simply was unable to forgive, to respect, or be patient with me as I went through this phase. This drastically prevented us from moving forward.

Fatima remained extremely insecure. She valued others' opinions more than she did her own. The Beyonces' gossip allowed her to compare herself and her relationship to others, preventing her from seeing the strength and value in our relationship. It was as if she had become extremely superficial, caring more about how things appeared to The Beyonces than the reality of things. This really hurt and saddened me. So I thought about the things that had happened. I thought about the night of the baptism and the stepfather, remembering the way he spoke to Fatima and the way he spoke to me. I thought about The Beyonces and the grief they caused in my relationship with Fatima, but most of all, I thought about Fatima. I thought of the fact that we live in a world that feels hate for black men and realized that the echo of this sentiment by those who were dear to Fatima was not her fault. I thought about what she was going through. I thought of this strong, intelligent, beautiful woman that I adore, and knew she didn't deserve any of this. I thought of my love for her and wanted so much to do something to keep her happy and smiling. After deep thought, I closed my eyes and thought of what was going on around me, and for only the third time in my life, I cried. I cried the sorrowful tears that Jesus must have cried for His people when He said 'Father forgive them, for they know not what they do..." I sat, as a man, and I tried to cry away the hurt, to love the hurt away…. and the pain……To Be Continued

Chapter 3: Loving the Hurt Away: Why The Relationship Had to End

Chapter 1) Meeting The Family
(Published 2.26.07)
Chapter 2) Friends, Girlfriends, and Beyonces
(Published 2.28.07)
Chapter 3: Communication, Lies, Manipulation, and The Mountain
(Published 3.3.07)
Chapter 4) Marriage Counseling & The Betrayal
(Published 3.5.07)
Chapter 5) The Conclusion and Lessons Learned
(Published 3.7.07)


Chapter 3: Communication, Lies, Manipulation, and The Mountain

The Mountain: I need time to think…time to get my thoughts together, this rollercoaster ride of a relationship has me confused. I need time away from Fatima to get back to my roots, my principles, my values for being.

I told Fatima that I needed some time alone, something she was able to understand with her being an only child. I took a week to myself and during this time I climbed the preverbal mountain top of my being. Just as Moses did in the Old Testament, I came down from my mountain with conviction, clarity and understanding about our communication & conflict and her manipulation & lies.

If there were any hopes of our relationship developing to the family of our children that we often spoke about then we would need help getting past out current critical conflicts. I now understood the problems - lack of communication and Fatima's temper, and I thought I knew the solution - we needed to see a marriage counselor soon. Here is my mountain top experience:

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Back Home: South Oak Cliff, Dallas, TX, Pastor Tony Evans Speaks:
…"the Bible clearly states Men are commanded to love…..Women are to respect their Husband……
That's it…Men Love…Women Respect.
….MEN!…even when she doesn't deserve it….. It is your duty and command to love her anyway……
..WOMEN…even when he is getting on your LAST NERVE!…Respect him anyway……"
--------------------

Manipulation & Lies: Fatima's temper was one of the toughest things that I had to deal with in the relationship. In short when things were good they were good but when they were bad they were real bad. To be fair, I know everybody has a slight attitude but Fatima's temper was 100 times worse than any temper I have ever dealt with in my thirty years. On many occasions this temper would become evil, vindictive and malicious. It took me a while to realize it, but I began to notice that I was being manipulated by this temper. I would give Fatima what she wanted or not even voice my opinion in order to avoid the temper tantrums. Simply stated, I was intimidated by her temper and its paralyzing and debilitating effect. I would constantly tell Fatima that her outbursts of rage bothered me and they weren't healthy for our relationship. We needed to find a better way of communicating. Her response was always the same. "I don't have a temper or an anger problem. People get mad. IT'S NORMAL and you have to just be a man and deal with it!"

"…IT WILL NEVER WORK!" Her stepfather's curse rang in the back of my head. My grandmother always told me never to say never; "cause Baby, never is a long time." Was her stepfather on to something? Did he biblically "curse" our relationship because he knew something that I did not know? Maybe he knew that Fatima was clueless of her temper and that with such a temper, no relationship could work.

Most people who know Fatima as a friend consider her an angel. I felt the same way when we first met. In the beginning, Fatima was forthcoming and told me that she had been a really mean person in the past. Her initial kindness led me to believe that her mean spirited life was behind her. However, by spending more and more time with Fatima, I would discover that this mean spirited, manipulative, and vindictive person still existed. Unfortunately, by the time I discovered this, it was too late for me to flee from her vindictive and manipulative behavior. I was in love. I wanted to be with Fatima and was willing to do whatever I could to make things work. Tony Evan's words ring in the back of my head:

"….MEN!…even when she doesn't deserve it….. It is your duty and command to love her anyway……"

I was trapped in a relationship of deception. I realized that in order for me to make things work, I needed to develop a better understanding Fatima. I needed to try and see things through her perspective and understand what makes her tick. I asked myself: What was it that turned this angel into such a vindictive and manipulative person? How does Fatima appear as an angel to friends when she is obviously mean as sin behind closed doors? To get an answer I had to think back to a conversation we had in the car after her baptism.

After ten minutes of complete silence, I turned to Fatima and asked, "What do you think about what your father just said…"
Fatima: "What? What do you mean?"
Me: "…umm...did you not hear what I just heard?"…getting slightly agitated as my emotions went back to the moment where I almost punched her stepfather's lights out.
Fatima: "Oh that. That's nothing. I told you my stepfather was mean. He always says stuff…like that"
Me: "FATIMA!! You call that nothing! I am a grown ass man, not some high school kid! Do you not realize what almost happened back there!!!
Fatima: "You are overreacting. Nothing just happened."

What Fatima's stepfather did was like a dagger in my heart. Fatima's denial and accusation that I was "overreacting" twisted this dagger. Like Bin Laden, Fatima's stepfather executed the ultimate direct attack: Bin Laden struck during the early morning as America was slowly awaking to a new day. The stepfather struck while I was filled with The Spirit of peace and love from the baptism. Because of this cowardly attack, I was ready to go to war. Fatima's response: "you are overreacting… nothing just happened." Tony Evan's words ring in the back of my head:
"….MEN!…even when she doesn't deserve it….. It is your duty and command to love her anyway……"

Then it hit me. The realization that put everything in perspecitve. Fatima has been living a dual life of lies for most of her life. When things go bad, she simply tells herself that it never happened, smiles and moves on; continually tucking her secrets into her closet of self deception.

"IT WILL NEVER WORK!" Her stepfather's curse rang in the back of my head. Hmm….I wonder if he said those words to hurt me or to protect me from Fatima….No matter the reason…as a man I must fight for this relationship until all hope is lost.

Tony Evan's words ring in the back of my head:
"….MEN!…even when she doesn't deserve it….. It is your duty and command to love her anyway……"

Communication & Conflict: I always prided myself on being a communicator. I work every day of my life to improve my communication skills. Like a well balanced meal, I believe that one could never get enough good communication. Ironically, I found myself in love with a woman with whom I could not sit down and discuss an issue. Still, I felt it was my duty and command to love her anyway.

As I said before, Fatima is a very intelligent person. I knew she understood the principles of good communication and had the ability to communicate. Fatima was able to talk to everybody about our relationship except me. On many occasions, I would discover that there was a problem in the relationship through a mutual friend. I pleaded with Fatima, "Please talk to me." I even tried to create communication games like "I promise….not to say a word for ten minutes". The games would work for awhile but eventually her temper would come back. I simply got tired of the temper and began to fight it head on.

I really did not want to show Fatima my temper of steel because it was a harsh temper, hardened and refined from years of managing arrogant engineers in corporate America. However, I felt that she was taking my kindness as a weakness. I concluded that words did not work with Fatima. It was time for action.

One weekend while a group of friends and I were on our way to Atlanta for my best friends official "Rock Star" graduation and birthday celebration, Fatima's relationship gossip struck again. This fight led to our first breakup. In the past, I sort of understood that Fatima needed to speak to family and girlfriends about our relationship. I just wished that she would not tell them every single detail. With this incident, it was revealed to me that she was also talking to her guy friends about the details of our relationship.

Although the dating principles have changed some since the days that my father courted my mother, one thing…one value remains the same and intact…no man should be closer to your woman than you and by no means should she be best friends with a guy.
No matter the age, station, or class, this is one principle that all my male friends agreed upon. So for the record, this guy best friend of the girlfriend thing is some new age bullshit, a silly creation of noncommittal people designed to be a scapegoat for taking full responsibility in a relationship. Relationships are hard for everyone so no CHEATING by having a personal cheerleader and "dick in a jar" for when times get hard.

When Fatima tells me that her guy "best friend" was coming to town, she mentioned it in passing as if it was no big deal. However, when she said it, it rang in my ears loud and distinct like a dog whistle to a canine. As my father would have, I insisted that I would love to meet her best friend. I met the young man and instantly realized the he was harmless, but dangerous. Harmless in that he had no ill intent, but dangerous in that he was not mature enough to know that having a woman as a best friend when she has a boyfriend, was like playing with gunpowder and gasoline…just waiting for someone to bring a spark. That very day, he would bring the spark that led to our first breakup.

Fatima dropped me off at my house to pack before my friend Pedro arrived for the carpool to Atlanta. Fatima and her "Best guy Friend" went shopping. I had already began to pack when Fatima called. I was already missing her so I asked her to stop by the house and see me off to Atlanta. Fatima stopped by and sat next to the bed while I packed. Her best friend stayed down stairs. Me and the "Best guy Friend" were very cordial. I offered him a drink. He complimented my home. "Gee, Tyler you have a really nice house. Who is your decorator?" he says. I tell him, "No decorator, these are just some of my favorite things collected from my travels. Make yourself at home; I will be up stairs with Fatima packing."

As I packed, Fatima and I talked about a major miscommunication that we just had the night before. That previous night I was out with some friends skating at the local ghetto skating rink. I planned to spend the night at Fatima's house, packing my computer and night bag. Due to her carelessness, Fatima had left me waiting outside with bags of my valuables in the ghetto for what seemed like an hour while she was having dinner with her "Best guy Friend." We had been over the issue, but I wanted to prevent such miscommunications from happening again. I asked Fatima about what happened the night before. Fatima's temper instantly flared; she got an attitude and began to ignore me.

ACTION!! Our conversation got heated but soon ended as we overheard Pedro downstairs talking to the best friend. I pack my bags into Pedro's truck and kissed Fatima goodbye. I shook the best friend's hand. "Thanks Tyler, I really like your house", he said. Pedro and I hit the road and began to talk about the many adventures that we would experience that weekend in the ATL.

SPARK!! After we had been on the road for five minutes Pedro's cell phone rings. Pedro gets into a heated conversation with some dude and keeps saying… "Why Did You Call Me!!" I am laughing and thinking to myself who the hell is he talking to. Then Pedro passes me the phone while saying, "If you want to talk to Tyler then you should have called him not me." I take Pedro's cell phone and it's the Best guy Friend yelling, "...then turn around and we can fight…you disrespected Fatima…" …. To be continued.

Random Thoughts

 

Day 37, Hour 14, Minute 36, Second 14

 

To My Love,

 

I find on this cold morning, all life is waking and is still. It seems the frost from the night has caused even the warmest of hearts to be stilled. It is during this time that I was awoken with inspiration to reach out to you. My mind constantly thinks about you  and all the wonderful times that were shared. Wanting to know how things are and wishing to be able to hear your laugh. To know that the laugh was one of the purest of enjoyment was like the sources way of saying “Job Well Done”. It is during this coldest of times that I chose to reach back and find a correspondence you once shared with me.

 

To lay a kiss on your lips,
so gentle and delicate
is like picking the drops of dew
off the petals of a rose.

I hold you close and feel safe,
sheltered in from the rain,
from the storms that grow and surround me.
I take your hand and look into your eyes
and see a heart made of gold and soul so pure.

You see you are an angel, an angel to me.
I could not help but fall madly in love with you,
the one who stole my heart.

I’m glad you did
because I could never find one such as you...
Some one who makes each day the best,
each laugh the longest,
each tear the saddest,
and a life, my life, worthwhile.

 

 

I find the ultimate warmth in your words. I hold them so near and dear to my soul. These words are where I go when I find that this war is getting the best of me. I find this to be the ultimate compliment of your view of me. I accept them and thank the source for giving them to you for delivery. I have allowed this to be my security blanket. These words are written by someone who has begun to find themselves being transparent and allowing their soul to reach out and connect with another.

 

I Love You truly Fatima. My heart, mind, and body await no other. I hope that as each day goes by, you begin to feel and understand how much you mean to me and through the source I have a love for you that goes so much further then a liking of temporary things. Your existence allows me to become the man the source wants me to be. All this is stated to let you know that on this earth, there is 499 piece jigsaw puzzle of a knight. You and you alone carry the piece the will complete him.

 

I ask for hope, faith, and love; but the greatest of these will always be LOVE.

 

Devotion

Devotion

The state of being devoted; addiction; eager inclination; strong attachment love or affection; zeal; especially, feelings toward God appropriately expressed by acts of worship; devoutness.

 

Fatima,

 

It has been 32 days, 14 hours, 39 minutes and 15 seconds since I was able to hear the chords my love in my ear. Today has been one of the days that my spirit was able to make a difference amongst the ranks. I was able to find that it is times of doubt that communication with the source is needed the most. From that communication, it was very apparent that for every battle fought was just another obstacle that the source was using to get my attention. This whole time, he just wanted me to place my focus on him and not on myself. It has been one of the most valuable lessons every taught. It is the diamond that is found when coal reaches it point of exhaustion. In finding that, I have aligned myself with all the great men that surrounded the source, in that, now he chooses to communicate with me directly and not indirectly. I am fortunate to be a David, Mark, Luke, or Paul who were fortunate enough to share a bond with the source during my time on earth

 

Devotion, Obedience, Dedication are all words that are placed in my heart. It is the idea of these words that let me know that my love for Fatima is as solid as the Wall of China.

 

It is Fatima’s air that I breathe.

 

 

For love is a willful stirring of our thoughts unto God, so that it receive nothing that is against the love of Jesus Christ, and therewith that it be lasting in sweetness of devotion; and that is the perfection of this life.
Richard Rolle

 

 

War is Hell

 

To my Love,

 

Day 31 in this 14^th hour, 6th minute, I find myself writing to express how tough war can be on a man in this day. I found myself today asking how would this war be if I chose not to fight it anymore. How would the ranks feel without my presence? Do I make a difference? It is amazing how war can make the strongest of men begin to ask such questions. It is not the war outside that is the most destructive, it is the one that it creates within that is the most difficult to fight. This inner war begins in the mind and poisons any and all tunnels to the inner soul. Imagine trying to fight your enemy with the hollowest of souls! No purpose, no direction, no link to the source of all things. This war that I am fighting is attacking from all places and angles and my truest inspiration for fighting is you, my lady.

 

I am a knight of this millenium and because of this, I know that the ranks need me. The war needs me. The world needs me. Without me, the infectious idea of belief, love, and the winning this war and enjoying peace in the land of the living would cease. It is for knights such as myself, that emulate the personage of David and in times of trouble we find courage directly from the source himself. To walk in to the unknown, and make it known is far more then courageous: It is NOBLE. In this lifetime, I shall not only win this war, I shall have your love, and I shall find peace on earth during my living. I was promised this from the source and it is this war that is purifying me so that I can enjoy you once we are returned as one.

 

Fatima, I hope that as you read this; you can began to find in yourself the strength and courage that I pray for the source to provide you each night. I pray that he allows you to feel the passion in which I pray for forgiveness for my enemies before and during our time of battle. Please continue to to love like tomoroow is never promised.

 

Sincerely,

 

The Millinieurm Knight

 

Definition of Love

To my Love Fatima,

 

On this 30 Day in this 14^th hour, 31 minute, I find myself reading a letter from Paul that affirms what I know to be LOVE. I want to share this with you and hope that it feels you heart for not just me, but for all.

 

Love

 1If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Tears of an Angel

To My Love Fatima

 

On this 29 Day of the 14^th hours, 30^th minute and 30^th second I find myself reminiscing to a moment during my battles when I was fortunate enough to help a fallen angel.

 

To see a fallen angel is to view the sources beauty at it’s best.

What does one do with perfection become imperfect.

For me, I have tasted the tears of an angel

I drank as though these tears were the source of the Nile.

Unbound by consumption; to drank of such can be refreshing and quenching at the same time

Once you have LOVED like I LOVE, understanding imperfection is how my outward appearance reflects my inward grace.

When my Love matches that of the source, it is then that I will find my place high in the rock.

To see a fallen angel, is the clearest vision to oneself

For we are all angels for one another and even in our best moments we fall.

How can one stay down, when our source inspires us to rise again

 

Fatima you are my fallen angel and when you fall I fall. But it is within us to always get up for our source is one that continues to believe when we are unable to believe for ourselves. I pray that my thoughts will awake you out of your sleep and bring our hearts and minds back to a place where all is one.

 

“Love never Fails”

 

 

Unseen Love

God's Minute

I have only just a minute. Only sixty seconds in it.
Forced upon me. Didn't seek it, didn't choose it,
But it’s up to me to use it.
I must suffer if I lose it. Give account if I abuse it.
Just a tiny little minute---- But eternity is in it.

                                    - Benjamin Mays

To My Dearest Fatima,

 

Hello Love. Today’s war seems to be one of the irritating of battles. I actually found myself fighting the most persevering enemy known to man. Imagine fighting something that is always advancing, always growing, leaving rubble in it path as it continues to travel along the divide. It never changes forms and often breaches the heart of men. Although extremely powerful, continuously fluid in its approach towards us humans; this enemy can be taken from someone and will never be returned the same. Imagine what we as humans would do if the sun and the moon switch places?

 

On this day I have seen the sun rise and set 28 times and at this 14 hour, on this 44^th minute; I began my epistle to you my love. I know that you have smiled today due to the smell of lilies in the fields. I look forward to the day that I will hold you again. I hope that my embrace will be one that will remove any doubt in your heart and mind that my absence was not a curse, but a gift from the source himself. I find that each day my heart grows fonder for you.  Has my omission made you upset with me? I long for your correspondence and just the thought of you stirs a tornado in my soul that attaches me to your wonderful hugs and kisses. How is it that I can close my eyes and envision you as an angel walking on earth? Unlike some, I can see your wings and spirit that the source has fulfilled in your heart. It draws me to you like a moth to the flame. To be without it is to be unsound, meager even. I wish only to let you know by my Love that your spirit longs for being one with all things, yet it continues to be surrounded by the same enemies that I choose to fight.

 

I do hope that you are able to see that it is because of you I am able to fight;

It is for spirits such as yours that I have to fight;

As all things are one, I fight for you!

 

Fatima…………….. I Love You

Fatima……………...I always fight for you.

Fatima……………...I always believe in you.

 

It is for you that I

Accepting Love

I am neither superior nor inferior to anyone who exists.

Saint or sinner, the spirit that resides within me is the divine spirit

It has taken on a certain role in this lifetime;

It has taken on other roles in other lifetimes.

I honor the divine spirit in myself and in all beings as holy and sacred no matter what role it is playing.

 

Hello my love. I attempted to touch you today as I continued to pray for you return to me! Did you feel me reaching out? For this day of fighting began on a day with a temperature that would cause perspiration to look like steam. It seemed that each and every breath the men took sent smoke signals in the air so that we communicate that we are still alive and well. I pray this finds you on day 27, hour 14, minute 26, and 00 seconds.

 

I found myself thinking about living life in a mirror. How one can often view what they see in a mirror and not truly appreciate what perfection truly is. I have found that there are times in which I view myself in the mirror and do not appreciate what is being reflected. Our training as knights tend to push us to a place where we view what it is to be a knight as perfection, therefore, looking past thy self in the mirror to a superficial character who has no identity of self. It is amazing how you can be so close to perfection and yet still be so far away. It is in those times when the character traits of arrogance, ostentation, conceit, and imperiousness are the items which we establish our foundation. To watch a fellow knight fall only knowing this foundation is to watch the weeds of earth wrapped themselves and smother the roots of the most beautiful Stargazer Lilly. True Love can NOT grow is such a garden.  

 

True Love has the ability to break such mirrors. I am speaking of a pouring of the riches form of gold directly to the tunnel of the inner soul. A connection with the source, the viewer of the mirror, the weeds of the garden, and the Stargazer Lilly, happens when mirrors are broken the viewer becomes one with all things. In becoming one we find that Love and Acceptance become synonymous and we are able to see perfection face to face. The source grants favor for those who choose to break their mirror because it allows for continuous pouring of the gold that we have been promised. 

 

Fatima in you I reflect the light of a Super Nova. I find a light so bright that at one time I was willing to divulge all my light for what I believe in you. What you taught me was that if I divulge all my light to you, I would be leaving the universe empty of light and no one would be able to find their way home. I have spoken to the source and he has given me the strength and the power burn as bright as I need for as long as I need and he has promised me that in this life and forever he will keep my light shining. The source smiles when he sees how bright I shine.

 

Your Shining Lighthouse

The Millennium Knight  

 

Fatima's Gift

My Dear Lady

 

With fighting being lighter today, I ask the source for time to allow me to touch my resplendent butterfly, Fatima. This day is number 26, hour 14, minute 14 and time is standing on 10 seconds. As I reach out for Fatima, through the beating of my heart, I ask that she allow me to carry her mountains on this day. It seems that on the days when life is not surrounded by the clashing of swords or the screams of daily battles being won and lost, I choose to offer myself to my love. I see here chasing the resplendent butterfly along a river bed with the shine of an adolescent. Boundless, free of worry, and one with the source, the earth, and nature.

 

How can one envision happiness in any other fashion?

How does one leave such a view to come back to a world of fighting?

 

Your mountains are not heavy to me Fatima. This strength that I contain is made up of a soulful LOVE that can only be created from the source of the greatest LOVE. Where you see great mountains, I see mustard seeds. Those mountains shall cease in your field of view and you can continue to chase the resplendent butterfly. What will do when you catch that butterfly?

I shall offer to carry your mountains for eternity because with you I am strong.

Fatima, I am a knight; a man of GOD, a gentleman of purpose and in you I devote my mind, body, and soul. I shall continue to pray for strength, protection, wisdom, courage, and LOVE. I do know that ALL will be ONE.

 

True in Heart

The Millennium Knight

 

To My Dearest Fatima

I find myself in one of the strongest battles I have ever fought today. The enemy that is being fought seems more surreptitious and keen then I have ever known. It has now been 25 days, 14 hours, 45 minute, and 28.29.30 seconds since you; my angel sang in my ear. At least if this battle was being fought traditionally, I could look my enemy square in the eye, but this enemy fights with the most sophisticated of weapons. I have tried to fight this enemy so many times by myself and it was those times this enemy was able to enslave the truest essence of what makes me the knight I am. However, on this day I find myself fighting the enemy with something more then brawn. I have fought with a spirit that can only be given to someone who has been destined for victory. A spirit that consisted of the truest love for myself and mine enemy, the deepest compassion, and with a weapon that can only be provided by one not of this world.

 

As the battle instruments clashed and rang out with no end in sight, a simple glimpse to the heavens portrayed a glimpse of you to me in a quarter crescent moon. I recall the days of sharing our stares at the moon and how we choose to speak about how the moon seemed to be the beckon of hope for the stars. During those moments, what was truly felt was the fact that we had become a true beckon for each other. I will say during this battle today, your light allows me to find my way home.

 

Why does this battle seem to feel like this heavy storm? Is there a dependency of one with the other, or are both independent? From either point of view, I am coming to know that all things are and shall be one as I am one with you. So I chose not to view some, but I chose to view all. As my SOUL grows and becomes all, I shall PRAY that the source will continue to hold you safe until our return where I shall continue to LOVE YOU for eternity.

 

                        You Faithful Warrior

                        The Millennium Knight

 

The Ode to Fatima

I am a knight of the new millenium. You will not find many like me, but I do speak for all. Because I am a knight I am at peace with my source Jesus Christ. My statement of faith: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who ave been called according to his purpose" Roman 8:28. I wish this Ode to not have a format, but be a continuous flow of my thoughts for my one and only Love Fatima.

On this day, i have awaken with thoughts of your beautiful smile  and the longing to hear you voice. It has been 24 days, 10 hours, 39 minutes, and 30 seconds since we have spoken but when we measure time with Love's Clock even an iota can be eternity. I have attempted to reach your heart in so many ways, however it seems that each of these avenues seem to fail. Without God's presense these avenues shall always fail. So rather then continuing to go down failed paths, i chose to communicate with you through the source himself. This is something I have devoted my life to do for eternity, but it means so much more right now because we are facing the heaviest of storms. I find that it is easy to Love when the storm has passed, but knights know that Courage can only be found when our true character is tested.

In this day, it is viewed as weakness for a man to show or confess his Love for a woman. For those who think in such a manner, I question their Love. I look forward to each day expressing my Love for Fatima. The idea of aligning my soul to something so powerful provides purpose and a sense of being. In loving her, I find new ways to love me. Far from being defined or conditioned to think by loving someone we tend to lose ourselves, but the source has required this of us in his word. In Fatima, i have seen something that is more beautiful then the castles in Madrid and it has settled within me to help me find purpose. I have found that with this new found feeling I look forward to the making the unknown; known and enjoying the present. It seemed that so much of who we were was based on our past and what I have found is that being locked into the past is living in hell on earth. I chose not to live in hell anymore. In the same note, i find that being the future can also bring on this same thing after having multiple let down of goals and things not accomplished. I chose to enjoy each moment and make the most of it and all the source to guide.

This is my initial letter to my Fatima and although our time away has been the heaviest of storms, I do know that "Love Never Fails". I shall look forward to our return.