Many of you have made the same statement, "What Happened? You guys were the perfect couple." The short answer is relationships are hard. For the long answer read on.
So here is my story. First of all; I am not a chauvinist, a player, or a cheater. I am a world traveler. I have lived in three states. I am community minded. I am an engineer. I am a businessman, and I have ten nieces and nephews that love me dearly. I am a man raised by his grandmother and in search of love. I share my story with you so that maybe you or someone you love will benefit from my experience.
Friends and Supporters
Greetings; I write you today to let you know how important my relationship with Fatima was. My grandmother always told me a wise person always views both sides of a story. I am sure you have Fatima's side of the story. Here is my side.
The Meeting
When I met Fatima a year ago at a Release happy hour, I did not realize how great of a person I had encountered. As we spent more and more time together, I began to see how kind-hearted she truly is. She was forthcoming and told me that she had been a really mean person in the past. Her kindness led me to believe that her mean spirited life was behind her. At that moment, I began to think of our long term compatibility. I quickly fell deeply in love with her. I remember first realizing I loved her-- I was lying in her bed one morning watching the sun rise. I kissed her on the forehead, as I did every morning to gently awaken her, and thought to myself, "This is the woman I want to spend to rest of my life with and to be the mother of my children." I loved spending time with Fatima. I often told her our time together represented some of the most peaceful times in my life. When I was with Fatima there was not a need to be the important business guy, the super social extravert, or the big brother to all my friends. All I had to do was be me. I loved those moments and I loved Fati.
Life Before Meeting Fatima
Background: I am 8 years older than Fatima, and this was an initial concern until I surveyed my closest friends. Friend A: married for 6 years to his wife, who is seven years younger than him. Friend B: dated for two years, a girl that was seven years younger than him. Friend C: dated for three years, a girl that was five years younger. This personal survey lessened my concerns associated with dating a younger woman.
I had recently completed two years in an executive MBA program when I met Fati. Fresh from graduation, I was totally burned out and in need of a break. I was in need of a social outlet and started hanging out with a group of people who held weekly socials. I thought Fatima would like to socialize and meet new friends so I invited her to come hang out and play cards. I figured this would be a good way for us to get to know each other. I would soon learn that this was a big mistake, and would shadow our relationship with lasting negative affects. When I met Fatima, I was a complete party animal. Many people who observed the relationship during that time judged me as being a player. They felt I was not good for Fati. I did not care what people thought, ignored their judgments and continued living my life. I have always been the type to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, and life has never afforded me the luxury of being insecure or caring about the opinions of others. Fati and I differed in that the opinions of others affected her view of our relationship.
Setting Expectations:
When Fatima and I started dating I knew the age difference would be a problem so I tried discussing with her any possible differences in our expectations. We sat down and I told her about my experiences in dating and why I wanted to take my time in this relationship. We talked about how she may want some things now but I was not comfortable giving until some time later after we had spent more time getting to know each another. The purpose of our conversation had been to open the channels of communications so we could understand each other better.
Problems in the Relationship
1st Sign: Challenges in Meeting the Parents
After six months of dating, I finally expressed to Fatima I was ready to get serious and wanted to meet her parents. Fatima said, "No, now is not a good time to meet my parents." I asked her why and stated I had wanted to meet her parents for four months now; however my questions were met with no explanation. Later I would discover her parents held a bad impression of me because Fatima had told her parents about every bad thing that had happened during the first two months of our dating, when I was fresh out of school and in my party animal stage. I discovered this during my second attempt to meet the parents. Instead of flying home to Texas to see my family I decided to stay in North Carolina to meet Fatima's family. Well, when I informed Fatima of my plans she responded again that it was not a good time. I mentioned this was the second time she had said that and asked if there was a bigger problem I needed to know about. I sensed a big communication problem developing. Fatima said she had it under control, she wanted me to meet her parents in due time, and that she had a plan to get her parents to like me. Thankfully, she admitted it was a mistake to tell her parents so many details of our relationship, and after this admittance I respected her choices and gave her room to do what she felt was needed.
Meeting the Parents
Soon after Thanksgiving I would meet the parents but not according to Fatima's plan. Fatima's baptism was quickly approaching and her parents decided to come to town for the occasion. Needless to say I was excited to finally meet her parents, but Fatima seemed nervous. I ensured her that things would be fine; I usually do well with parents and love talking to older people. Fatima shared some good news that she had been talking to her parents; they had had a change of heart and were looking forward to meeting me. Although meeting Fatima's parents would become one of the most emotionally charged encounters of my adulthood, at the same time it revealed to me how deep my feelings for Fati ran.
Morning of Fati's Baptism
Fatima's baptism was a blessed event and I was extremely excited for her. That morning her parents arrived at Fatima's apartment at the same time I did. I waved to them and then rushed upstairs to give Fatima her breakfast so she could eat before we rushed off to the church. While I handed Fatima her breakfast her father rushed into apartment and made for the bathroom, ignoring my "Good Morning". Before Fatima could eat he rushed us out of the house to get to the church early. This seemed quite odd considering based on the schedule Fatima gave me, we still had ample time to get to the church. Nonetheless I went with the flow. When we got out of the cars at the church, I said hello to Fatima's mother and aunt. When I said hello to her stepfather he simply ignored me and hurried everybody into the church. Instead of saying hello, he pointed at me and said "I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER!!" I chalked his behavior up to the stress of the special occasion. While Fatima was getting ready I spoke with her aunt and played with her aunt's two sons.
During the baptism I sat between Fati's mother and aunt, and I felt Fatima's mother began to warm up to me during the sermon. She often offered me candies, fans, and a towel to help with my sweat. Later Fatima told me her mother felt a spiritual connection with me and she believed I was a good-spirited person.
Things went downhill after church as we walked to the cars. I expected the whole family to go out for dinner and looked forward to spending some time having a man-to-man conversation with her stepfather. It was during this dinner that I had planned to let the stepfather know how serious I was about Fati and that I hoped to make her my wife one day. Unfortunately, we would never make it to dinner. Instead I was saddened and surprised when I witnessed this man suddenly humiliate my beautiful, newly baptized girlfriend into a babbling four year old child with overbearing, obnoxious declarations.
Stepfather: FATI I RAISED YOU, RIGHT?
Fati (excited from her baptism): Yes!
Stepfather: FATI I RAISED YOU, RIGHT?
Fati (still excited): Yes!
Stepfather: FATI I RAISED YOU, RIGHT?
Fati (head drops): …Yes…
Stepfarther: FATI YOU WERE BAPTIZED TODAY SO IT'S TIME FOR A NEW LIFE!
Fati (suddenly saddened): Yes, sir.
Then he turns on me and says the only words he has ever said to me:
FIRST OF ALL I DON'T LIKE YOU! I DON'T LIKE YOU DATING MY DAUGHTER! YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR HER, AND IF YOU HAD ANY KIND OF "BACK BONE" THEN YOU WOULD LEAVE HER AND LET HER FIND A GUY CLOSE TO HER AGE……IT WILL NEVER WORK!
My heart stops as I think….why would a father intentionally cause such drama and grief on what is supposed to be one of the most memorable and special days in his daughter's life with Christ?……To Be Continued
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