Chapter 1) Meeting The Family
(Published 2.26.07)
Chapter 2) Friends, Girlfriends, and Beyonces
(Published 2.28.07)
Chapter 3: Communication, Lies, Manipulation, and The Mountain
(Published 3.3.07)
Chapter 4) Marriage Counseling & The Betrayal
(Published 3.5.07)
Chapter 5) The Conclusion and Lessons Learned
(Published 3.7.07)
Chapter 3: Communication, Lies, Manipulation, and The Mountain
The Mountain: I need time to think…time to get my thoughts together, this rollercoaster ride of a relationship has me confused. I need time away from Fatima to get back to my roots, my principles, my values for being.
(Published 2.26.07)
Chapter 2) Friends, Girlfriends, and Beyonces
(Published 2.28.07)
Chapter 3: Communication, Lies, Manipulation, and The Mountain
(Published 3.3.07)
Chapter 4) Marriage Counseling & The Betrayal
(Published 3.5.07)
Chapter 5) The Conclusion and Lessons Learned
(Published 3.7.07)
Chapter 3: Communication, Lies, Manipulation, and The Mountain
The Mountain: I need time to think…time to get my thoughts together, this rollercoaster ride of a relationship has me confused. I need time away from Fatima to get back to my roots, my principles, my values for being.
I told Fatima that I needed some time alone, something she was able to understand with her being an only child. I took a week to myself and during this time I climbed the preverbal mountain top of my being. Just as Moses did in the Old Testament, I came down from my mountain with conviction, clarity and understanding about our communication & conflict and her manipulation & lies.
If there were any hopes of our relationship developing to the family of our children that we often spoke about then we would need help getting past out current critical conflicts. I now understood the problems - lack of communication and Fatima's temper, and I thought I knew the solution - we needed to see a marriage counselor soon. Here is my mountain top experience:
--------------------
Back Home: South Oak Cliff, Dallas, TX, Pastor Tony Evans Speaks:
…"the Bible clearly states Men are commanded to love…..Women are to respect their Husband……
That's it…Men Love…Women Respect.
….MEN!…even when she doesn't deserve it….. It is your duty and command to love her anyway……
..WOMEN…even when he is getting on your LAST NERVE!…Respect him anyway……"
--------------------
If there were any hopes of our relationship developing to the family of our children that we often spoke about then we would need help getting past out current critical conflicts. I now understood the problems - lack of communication and Fatima's temper, and I thought I knew the solution - we needed to see a marriage counselor soon. Here is my mountain top experience:
--------------------
Back Home: South Oak Cliff, Dallas, TX, Pastor Tony Evans Speaks:
…"the Bible clearly states Men are commanded to love…..Women are to respect their Husband……
That's it…Men Love…Women Respect.
….MEN!…even when she doesn't deserve it….. It is your duty and command to love her anyway……
..WOMEN…even when he is getting on your LAST NERVE!…Respect him anyway……"
--------------------
Manipulation & Lies: Fatima's temper was one of the toughest things that I had to deal with in the relationship. In short when things were good they were good but when they were bad they were real bad. To be fair, I know everybody has a slight attitude but Fatima's temper was 100 times worse than any temper I have ever dealt with in my thirty years. On many occasions this temper would become evil, vindictive and malicious. It took me a while to realize it, but I began to notice that I was being manipulated by this temper. I would give Fatima what she wanted or not even voice my opinion in order to avoid the temper tantrums. Simply stated, I was intimidated by her temper and its paralyzing and debilitating effect. I would constantly tell Fatima that her outbursts of rage bothered me and they weren't healthy for our relationship. We needed to find a better way of communicating. Her response was always the same. "I don't have a temper or an anger problem. People get mad. IT'S NORMAL and you have to just be a man and deal with it!"
"…IT WILL NEVER WORK!" Her stepfather's curse rang in the back of my head. My grandmother always told me never to say never; "cause Baby, never is a long time." Was her stepfather on to something? Did he biblically "curse" our relationship because he knew something that I did not know? Maybe he knew that Fatima was clueless of her temper and that with such a temper, no relationship could work.
Most people who know Fatima as a friend consider her an angel. I felt the same way when we first met. In the beginning, Fatima was forthcoming and told me that she had been a really mean person in the past. Her initial kindness led me to believe that her mean spirited life was behind her. However, by spending more and more time with Fatima, I would discover that this mean spirited, manipulative, and vindictive person still existed. Unfortunately, by the time I discovered this, it was too late for me to flee from her vindictive and manipulative behavior. I was in love. I wanted to be with Fatima and was willing to do whatever I could to make things work. Tony Evan's words ring in the back of my head:
"….MEN!…even when she doesn't deserve it….. It is your duty and command to love her anyway……"
I was trapped in a relationship of deception. I realized that in order for me to make things work, I needed to develop a better understanding Fatima. I needed to try and see things through her perspective and understand what makes her tick. I asked myself: What was it that turned this angel into such a vindictive and manipulative person? How does Fatima appear as an angel to friends when she is obviously mean as sin behind closed doors? To get an answer I had to think back to a conversation we had in the car after her baptism.
After ten minutes of complete silence, I turned to Fatima and asked, "What do you think about what your father just said…"
Fatima: "What? What do you mean?"
Me: "…umm...did you not hear what I just heard?"…getting slightly agitated as my emotions went back to the moment where I almost punched her stepfather's lights out.
Fatima: "Oh that. That's nothing. I told you my stepfather was mean. He always says stuff…like that"
Me: "FATIMA!! You call that nothing! I am a grown ass man, not some high school kid! Do you not realize what almost happened back there!!!
Fatima: "You are overreacting. Nothing just happened."
What Fatima's stepfather did was like a dagger in my heart. Fatima's denial and accusation that I was "overreacting" twisted this dagger. Like Bin Laden, Fatima's stepfather executed the ultimate direct attack: Bin Laden struck during the early morning as America was slowly awaking to a new day. The stepfather struck while I was filled with The Spirit of peace and love from the baptism. Because of this cowardly attack, I was ready to go to war. Fatima's response: "you are overreacting… nothing just happened." Tony Evan's words ring in the back of my head:
"….MEN!…even when she doesn't deserve it….. It is your duty and command to love her anyway……"
"…IT WILL NEVER WORK!" Her stepfather's curse rang in the back of my head. My grandmother always told me never to say never; "cause Baby, never is a long time." Was her stepfather on to something? Did he biblically "curse" our relationship because he knew something that I did not know? Maybe he knew that Fatima was clueless of her temper and that with such a temper, no relationship could work.
Most people who know Fatima as a friend consider her an angel. I felt the same way when we first met. In the beginning, Fatima was forthcoming and told me that she had been a really mean person in the past. Her initial kindness led me to believe that her mean spirited life was behind her. However, by spending more and more time with Fatima, I would discover that this mean spirited, manipulative, and vindictive person still existed. Unfortunately, by the time I discovered this, it was too late for me to flee from her vindictive and manipulative behavior. I was in love. I wanted to be with Fatima and was willing to do whatever I could to make things work. Tony Evan's words ring in the back of my head:
"….MEN!…even when she doesn't deserve it….. It is your duty and command to love her anyway……"
I was trapped in a relationship of deception. I realized that in order for me to make things work, I needed to develop a better understanding Fatima. I needed to try and see things through her perspective and understand what makes her tick. I asked myself: What was it that turned this angel into such a vindictive and manipulative person? How does Fatima appear as an angel to friends when she is obviously mean as sin behind closed doors? To get an answer I had to think back to a conversation we had in the car after her baptism.
After ten minutes of complete silence, I turned to Fatima and asked, "What do you think about what your father just said…"
Fatima: "What? What do you mean?"
Me: "…umm...did you not hear what I just heard?"…getting slightly agitated as my emotions went back to the moment where I almost punched her stepfather's lights out.
Fatima: "Oh that. That's nothing. I told you my stepfather was mean. He always says stuff…like that"
Me: "FATIMA!! You call that nothing! I am a grown ass man, not some high school kid! Do you not realize what almost happened back there!!!
Fatima: "You are overreacting. Nothing just happened."
What Fatima's stepfather did was like a dagger in my heart. Fatima's denial and accusation that I was "overreacting" twisted this dagger. Like Bin Laden, Fatima's stepfather executed the ultimate direct attack: Bin Laden struck during the early morning as America was slowly awaking to a new day. The stepfather struck while I was filled with The Spirit of peace and love from the baptism. Because of this cowardly attack, I was ready to go to war. Fatima's response: "you are overreacting… nothing just happened." Tony Evan's words ring in the back of my head:
"….MEN!…even when she doesn't deserve it….. It is your duty and command to love her anyway……"
Then it hit me. The realization that put everything in perspecitve. Fatima has been living a dual life of lies for most of her life. When things go bad, she simply tells herself that it never happened, smiles and moves on; continually tucking her secrets into her closet of self deception.
"IT WILL NEVER WORK!" Her stepfather's curse rang in the back of my head. Hmm….I wonder if he said those words to hurt me or to protect me from Fatima….No matter the reason…as a man I must fight for this relationship until all hope is lost.
Tony Evan's words ring in the back of my head:
"….MEN!…even when she doesn't deserve it….. It is your duty and command to love her anyway……"
Communication & Conflict: I always prided myself on being a communicator. I work every day of my life to improve my communication skills. Like a well balanced meal, I believe that one could never get enough good communication. Ironically, I found myself in love with a woman with whom I could not sit down and discuss an issue. Still, I felt it was my duty and command to love her anyway.
As I said before, Fatima is a very intelligent person. I knew she understood the principles of good communication and had the ability to communicate. Fatima was able to talk to everybody about our relationship except me. On many occasions, I would discover that there was a problem in the relationship through a mutual friend. I pleaded with Fatima, "Please talk to me." I even tried to create communication games like "I promise….not to say a word for ten minutes". The games would work for awhile but eventually her temper would come back. I simply got tired of the temper and began to fight it head on.
I really did not want to show Fatima my temper of steel because it was a harsh temper, hardened and refined from years of managing arrogant engineers in corporate America. However, I felt that she was taking my kindness as a weakness. I concluded that words did not work with Fatima. It was time for action.
One weekend while a group of friends and I were on our way to Atlanta for my best friends official "Rock Star" graduation and birthday celebration, Fatima's relationship gossip struck again. This fight led to our first breakup. In the past, I sort of understood that Fatima needed to speak to family and girlfriends about our relationship. I just wished that she would not tell them every single detail. With this incident, it was revealed to me that she was also talking to her guy friends about the details of our relationship.
"IT WILL NEVER WORK!" Her stepfather's curse rang in the back of my head. Hmm….I wonder if he said those words to hurt me or to protect me from Fatima….No matter the reason…as a man I must fight for this relationship until all hope is lost.
Tony Evan's words ring in the back of my head:
"….MEN!…even when she doesn't deserve it….. It is your duty and command to love her anyway……"
Communication & Conflict: I always prided myself on being a communicator. I work every day of my life to improve my communication skills. Like a well balanced meal, I believe that one could never get enough good communication. Ironically, I found myself in love with a woman with whom I could not sit down and discuss an issue. Still, I felt it was my duty and command to love her anyway.
As I said before, Fatima is a very intelligent person. I knew she understood the principles of good communication and had the ability to communicate. Fatima was able to talk to everybody about our relationship except me. On many occasions, I would discover that there was a problem in the relationship through a mutual friend. I pleaded with Fatima, "Please talk to me." I even tried to create communication games like "I promise….not to say a word for ten minutes". The games would work for awhile but eventually her temper would come back. I simply got tired of the temper and began to fight it head on.
I really did not want to show Fatima my temper of steel because it was a harsh temper, hardened and refined from years of managing arrogant engineers in corporate America. However, I felt that she was taking my kindness as a weakness. I concluded that words did not work with Fatima. It was time for action.
One weekend while a group of friends and I were on our way to Atlanta for my best friends official "Rock Star" graduation and birthday celebration, Fatima's relationship gossip struck again. This fight led to our first breakup. In the past, I sort of understood that Fatima needed to speak to family and girlfriends about our relationship. I just wished that she would not tell them every single detail. With this incident, it was revealed to me that she was also talking to her guy friends about the details of our relationship.
Although the dating principles have changed some since the days that my father courted my mother, one thing…one value remains the same and intact…no man should be closer to your woman than you and by no means should she be best friends with a guy.
No matter the age, station, or class, this is one principle that all my male friends agreed upon. So for the record, this guy best friend of the girlfriend thing is some new age bullshit, a silly creation of noncommittal people designed to be a scapegoat for taking full responsibility in a relationship. Relationships are hard for everyone so no CHEATING by having a personal cheerleader and "dick in a jar" for when times get hard.
When Fatima tells me that her guy "best friend" was coming to town, she mentioned it in passing as if it was no big deal. However, when she said it, it rang in my ears loud and distinct like a dog whistle to a canine. As my father would have, I insisted that I would love to meet her best friend. I met the young man and instantly realized the he was harmless, but dangerous. Harmless in that he had no ill intent, but dangerous in that he was not mature enough to know that having a woman as a best friend when she has a boyfriend, was like playing with gunpowder and gasoline…just waiting for someone to bring a spark. That very day, he would bring the spark that led to our first breakup.
Fatima dropped me off at my house to pack before my friend Pedro arrived for the carpool to Atlanta. Fatima and her "Best guy Friend" went shopping. I had already began to pack when Fatima called. I was already missing her so I asked her to stop by the house and see me off to Atlanta. Fatima stopped by and sat next to the bed while I packed. Her best friend stayed down stairs. Me and the "Best guy Friend" were very cordial. I offered him a drink. He complimented my home. "Gee, Tyler you have a really nice house. Who is your decorator?" he says. I tell him, "No decorator, these are just some of my favorite things collected from my travels. Make yourself at home; I will be up stairs with Fatima packing."
As I packed, Fatima and I talked about a major miscommunication that we just had the night before. That previous night I was out with some friends skating at the local ghetto skating rink. I planned to spend the night at Fatima's house, packing my computer and night bag. Due to her carelessness, Fatima had left me waiting outside with bags of my valuables in the ghetto for what seemed like an hour while she was having dinner with her "Best guy Friend." We had been over the issue, but I wanted to prevent such miscommunications from happening again. I asked Fatima about what happened the night before. Fatima's temper instantly flared; she got an attitude and began to ignore me.
No matter the age, station, or class, this is one principle that all my male friends agreed upon. So for the record, this guy best friend of the girlfriend thing is some new age bullshit, a silly creation of noncommittal people designed to be a scapegoat for taking full responsibility in a relationship. Relationships are hard for everyone so no CHEATING by having a personal cheerleader and "dick in a jar" for when times get hard.
When Fatima tells me that her guy "best friend" was coming to town, she mentioned it in passing as if it was no big deal. However, when she said it, it rang in my ears loud and distinct like a dog whistle to a canine. As my father would have, I insisted that I would love to meet her best friend. I met the young man and instantly realized the he was harmless, but dangerous. Harmless in that he had no ill intent, but dangerous in that he was not mature enough to know that having a woman as a best friend when she has a boyfriend, was like playing with gunpowder and gasoline…just waiting for someone to bring a spark. That very day, he would bring the spark that led to our first breakup.
Fatima dropped me off at my house to pack before my friend Pedro arrived for the carpool to Atlanta. Fatima and her "Best guy Friend" went shopping. I had already began to pack when Fatima called. I was already missing her so I asked her to stop by the house and see me off to Atlanta. Fatima stopped by and sat next to the bed while I packed. Her best friend stayed down stairs. Me and the "Best guy Friend" were very cordial. I offered him a drink. He complimented my home. "Gee, Tyler you have a really nice house. Who is your decorator?" he says. I tell him, "No decorator, these are just some of my favorite things collected from my travels. Make yourself at home; I will be up stairs with Fatima packing."
As I packed, Fatima and I talked about a major miscommunication that we just had the night before. That previous night I was out with some friends skating at the local ghetto skating rink. I planned to spend the night at Fatima's house, packing my computer and night bag. Due to her carelessness, Fatima had left me waiting outside with bags of my valuables in the ghetto for what seemed like an hour while she was having dinner with her "Best guy Friend." We had been over the issue, but I wanted to prevent such miscommunications from happening again. I asked Fatima about what happened the night before. Fatima's temper instantly flared; she got an attitude and began to ignore me.
SPARK!! After we had been on the road for five minutes Pedro's cell phone rings. Pedro gets into a heated conversation with some dude and keeps saying… "Why Did You Call Me!!" I am laughing and thinking to myself who the hell is he talking to. Then Pedro passes me the phone while saying, "If you want to talk to Tyler then you should have called him not me." I take Pedro's cell phone and it's the Best guy Friend yelling, "...then turn around and we can fight…you disrespected Fatima…" …. To be continued.
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